My miscarriage three years ago...
Was the beginning of God doing amazing work on me as a woman. He was peeling the next level of my onion to grow deeper and more in love with Him.
It hasn't been easy. The road has been rough. I have learned much and have gained great amazing strength and even greater joy and love for it...that I can't help but say...
I am able to see how the last three years He has worked in my life. Having me heal through other past pains. the biggest thing He taught me from this is to forgive. Not just others and situations, but... MYSELF.
I've talked and shared how we need to love ourselves but sometimes the reason we're not loving ourselves is it because we haven't forgiven ourselves for something. There are times the forgiveness is legit but sometimes it is us being too hard on ourselves or holding ourselves to a standard or unrealistic expectation. And sometimes it is because we have many things and messages telling us we are not worthy or not measuring up. These messages are all jumbled up in our minds and souls.
FORGIVENESS...it is beautiful. FREEING....and painful! It means I have to admit I am not perfect.
forgiveness to me means realizing it is not my fault I have experienced dark circumstances in my life.
forgiveness means it is not my fault I had a miscarriage.
forgiveness means it is not my fault I have had infertility issues and hormonal problems for over 20 years.
forgiveness means it is not my fault all my health and infertility issues lead me to my hysterectomy 2 years ago.
forgiveness means my lack of fertility or inability to bear any more children does not mean I am any less of a woman.
Forgiveness means I can realize I am still feminine.
Forgiveness means realizing if Christ sacrificed on the cross for me and my sins who am I to be so arrogant to not forgive myself.
Thus I reflect, repent, release.
It is interesting because I recently realized last summers obsession with running and challenging myself physically was probably related to my still mourning the loss of my fertility. The feeling I am less of a woman because of the hysterectomy.
Thus by breaking down my body and pushing it to extremes was some sort of unconscious punishment and or avoidance of my feelings.
But now....and reflecting on this beautiful GOOD FRIDAY...
I say: GOODBYE to any and all unforgiveness!
And HELLO to my Redeemer and all the experiences and the growth I gain.
Why is all of this important!?
I firmly believe our feelings, femininity, fashion, and faith are all intertwined and the more we as women are able to acknowledge and grow in our faith....the more we are able to respect our femininity; which leads us to be aware of fashion/modesty. Thus respecting and loving ourselves even more.
Forgiving ourselves allows us to remember we are a child of God.
we are valuable!
we are NOT an object to be oogled over.
Again I ask...
Why is all this important? Even relevant or related?
Because the more we are willing to always grow...learn...love....the greater example we can be to our daughters....the women in our lives...the women who see us from afar!
I love the 2 most recent interviews I've listened to on some podcasts. The host on one was giving great advice and mentioned how he shares what he does not just for the listeners to learn but for himself. Because life is continual learning. That just because we may know something doesn't mean we don't still fall victim to some of what we may struggle with from time to time.
And in another interview this woman gives some great advice about loving oneself for who we are right now. And how she even still struggles with it from time to time especially when she puts stresses on herself.
Thus that sums up my glorious journey (most recently anyways!)
When I lost Sam 3 years ago something got broken inside of me.
I didn't give up on God.
I didn't stop loving Him.
I didn't blame Him.
Instead I transfered all that to myself.
The previous year I had learned new amazing things about my health and was feeling my best through whole food eating. And years before that I had learned to love myself no matter what! My mental state of mind was in excellent shape! Thus when my physical health became even better it was just icing on the cake to me.
Then I lose Sam. I felt like the last 18 years of spiritual, mental, and physical growth in confidence, in love was shattered.
I blamed myself.
I felt unlovable.
And my self-worth felt shot.
I wanted to say the heck with all this hard work of having a healthy love of self: mind, body, and soul.
Instead, I found the last 3 years made me grow even more in love with God.
Year one was about my faith. Truly finding joy in all circumstances. Faith to grow with others and share my life in an open book way; a way I have never really been comfortable to do in the past.
Year two was about hope. My hope to do right by God as the decision was made to have the hysterectomy. Hope to not feel like a failure. Hope to heal.
Year three was about LOVE.
Rediscovering a true and even deeper love of self through and for God. A deeper love for life. A deeper love for my God.
Love so full...
that it is intoxicating...
It is complete...
Ah....GOOD FRIDAY....today when I hear the Dela Rosa....when I walk up the aisle to kiss the cross, I will FEEL....I will know this is the kind of love Jesus was asking of from Peter when he questioned him three times. This is a full kind of love...a full, encompassing kind of love!
I not only feel his forgiveness, I believe it, I live it!
I pray you, too, can walk to the cross with head held high, full of forgiveness and love for self.
After all: THAT IS WHY WE HAVE TODAY!
DARKNESS BRINGS US LIGHT!
My love and prayers for each and everyone of you....known, unknown!
You are ALL beautiful, amazing creatures made in the likeness and image of HIM!