I had every intention to just write out my Spartan goals and plans to share with everyone who would like to join me in this challenge. Whether you join me physically or would just like to follow my plan to become Spartan ready. BUT...
Today, as I walked for Life...for Love...for my faith...my family...it allowed me to reflect on many things. One of the thoughts was definately about how our fitness, our health, is and should be so intwined with our faith. Heck it had me reflecting on how I would love to do "The Way" walk....talk about a challenge!
As I was reflecting and praying during Mass after communion, I became emotional, and then again as the details were being laid out for the walk I became emotional. I knew why. I knew it was because for me each and every January from now on will not just be because I am standing up and giving a voice for all the unborn, the unknown....but because I KNOW intimately one of those unborn.
Four years ago during a very cold January I discovered I was pregnant and couldn't believe it. The excitement, then the fear, then all the other emotions that came with it, were short lived because twelve weeks later there was no heart beat. For me, every January the Walk for Life: Mass, walk, and rosary will be very personal.
Each year I have the opportunity to celebrate the beautiful life that had been growing inside of me. I have the opportunity to continue to heal and grow from that loss. Each year I recieve the opportunity to peel away a different layer of the healing.
The first year the healing was just for the loss of who I would never hold.
The next year it was for the loss of never physically carrying a child in my womb again.
Last year was for the loss and of truly forgiving myself. You see my heart had not been open to being pregnant. Even though I had struggled for years to have our daughter. And then to even try to concieve again. But....I had become "use" to the fact that we would never be pregnant again. Thus, when we had found out we were pregnant I was not at a place in my life I felt I could handle it. I wasn't open to the beautiful life growing inside of me. I felt shame, guilt, and terror for all that I was feeling. After all, I have always made it loud and clear how pro-life I was and am. Yet, here I was wanting my will to be imposed and not God's when I was pregnant. I struggled with the 12 weeks of trying to figure out what next....when I went into that 12 week appointment and there was no heart beat, I felt numb. Then tremendous guilt.
Therefore this years tears were for healing and realization of having truly forgiven myself for feeling any responsibility of the miscarriage. Tears were shed in joy and a promise to only live in Gods will no matter the sacrifice. Because His will is the only way to true Joy and Happiness. And tears because I had truly forgiven myself and loved myself again. Tears because I knew because of that pain, because of that shame, I would never ever take any single life for granted ever ever again.
Tears of true freedom.
We all can get set in our ways. We all can have moments of going through the motions. We all can be pushy with our will. BUT....thank GOD for his grace, HIS mercy, HIS love....
Thus ironically how this may not make sense to some reading this....but I realized any challenge, bio-hack, personal goals (Mind, Body, and or Soul).....MUST be only with God's will in mind, not my schedule...my agenda....my obsessions....ONLY HIS.
It doesn't matter if others may think I am weird or out there because HE knows my heart. Only HE knows what I do, I do with HIM at the head and heart of it all!
I finally not only feel truly free of guilt and shame....I not only have forgiven myself....I not only love myself....I also do not compare.....I do not compare myself to others....I do not compare myself to myself of past...I KNOW I AM AN AMAZING BEAUTIFUL WOMAN WHO IS CONTINUALLY GROWING, CHANGING, LEARNING, EXPERIENCING...I feel tru freedom of the type of detachment that HE asks of us!!!
It is okay to have done something for many years and feel called into a different direction....it is okay to do something for a short period of time and realize it is not the right fit...it is okay to put things on hold to meet other needs...it is okay to want to have one physical goal one year and a different one the next...it is okay to learn something about nutrition one year and shift goals and focuses the next....it is okay to think I am going to teach my daughter one curriculum one year and totally bag it for a different one the next....and it is totally okay to love the skin that I am in because HE made me....and HE is counting on me to love me....so I can love HIM....so I can teach my daughter how to LOVE!!!
AND THAT IS WHAT I AM HERE FOR......
I am here to create a fabulous ripple of life and love for her....not by just my words but by my WALK!!!
I AM AND I WILL WALK THE WALK FOR HER!
I hope this helps even one person out there struggling with shame, guilt, confusion, lack of self-love. It is for you I write and share this. It is for you that I allow myself to be vulnerable and a book for all to read!
And it is because of HIS WILL that I find the courage to do all HE asks of me.
Blessings and hugs to all of you!