Two years ago today I wrote my most popular posting....the one that has had more hits on a regular basis: Femininity on Friday.
I was reflecting this weekend on some of the posts I have written in the past. What I have discovered, over the course of almost 6 years of blogging I only posted ONCE in the month of March.
It was easy for me to realize why I hadn't ever posted in March. I am the type of person who sees connections and also am very aware that my subconscious does things that I am not aware of.....and if I take a moment....better yet when I trust God to lead me to reflect.....I am able to SEE the why and understand myself better.
You see it was March 31, 2011.... I was informed my beautiful baby in my belly had no heart beat. And there had not been life there for about 2 weeks. I went home empty and numb to plan for a D&C the next day. I relate my emptiness similar to Christ's tomb. It was empty when they went to check on the body.
It is interesting how for 5 years I have had a lent that has helped me heal. The date of the loss has always (until this year) fallen inside of the 40 days of lent. I recall the very week after the D&C attending stations of the cross and weeping inconsolably. Partially due to the fact it was the particular stations of the cross that are done from the perspective of Mary. (Our parish does different perspectives throughout the Lenten season). I WAS there with Mary feeling and experiencing EVERY moment. It hurt beyond words. It hurt in a way I thought I could NEVER recover from. My pain was entwined with pain, guilt, hurt, sorrow, regrets....soo much!
BUT....LIFE DID ARISE!!! We remember that the tomb had to be empty in order for us to realize HE had risen. For me, my womb was empty SO I COULD HAVE LIFE....SO MY FAMILY COULD HAVE LIFE. How and why?! God has blessed us IN MORE WAYS than I could possible count since that loss.
Thus like Mary....I cannot have my joyful mysteries without my sorrowful mysteries.....because they lead me to the glorious mysteries!!!
Five years ago I had a swollen belly with anticipation. Today I have a "swollen" heart...a bigger giving heart....in anticipation for all I will experience this week because I KNOW I WILL be blessed.....and I KNOW I will be able to BE A BLESSING to others just like HE asks of us.
He came so we may have life!
My loss was so I could love greater and be life to others around me.
I am forever humbled and honored to do HIS WILL!!!
Memories can be marvelous....they do not have to have misery!
This MONDAY experience the MARVEL of your MEMORIES not the misery!!
Hugs and blessings,