I was reflecting the other day as I was watching this amazing eye opening movie about the education system. It dawned on me: Easter this year is 15 years of the Columbine massacre. The pain, the sorrow, these parents must have felt and probably still feel. Yet, maybe just maybe some of them can see the hope, the joy, past their pain of having the anniversary on Easter. Another way, opportunity to continue to heal, to seek out God; to know God is always there for us.
I don't say this as contrite, or light, I don't say this passively...I say this from experience.
God has lined up dates and numbers for me, my whole life. I think He does this for everyone, but not every one see the correlation, or remembers things the same way I do.
I remember reading HEAVEN IS FOR REAL a little over 3 years ago. It was right before I discovered I was pregnant: a miracle...no really for us it was! It had been 7 years since our daughter's birth. A miscarriage when she was about 18 months and at 4 years of age finding peace that we would nurture our one egg in the basket and love every moment we have with her.
Thus, once the shock had worn off we discovered: WOW!
Twelve weeks later I lay in a doctors office watching a nurse becoming uncomfortable. She fidgeted and tried to say the equipment must not be working. She sends me to the sono-tech. As I lay on that table even more vulnerable the tech looks at the monitor. She looks at me. There was a pause. The only sounds we hear in the room are the scratching sounds of the machine as she moves and presses the gadget against my belly desperately trying to hear something. Nothing.
She simply asks me how far along I was. I respond 12 weeks. She proceeds to show me the measurement of my beautiful baby Sam. She points out the size. This baby is only the size of 10 weeks. And the silence is understood. No whomp whomp whomp because, there was no heart beat. She struggled to tell me what I already knew in my heart. Something I had already known in my heart for sometime but kept it inside.
We walk back to the exam room for me to wait for the doctor. In the midst of all the silence, numbness, I hear, "Maybe we will hear the heart beat next appointment." I look over and smile and hold my beautiful amazing little girl and simply say, "No sweet girl, the heart beat is now with God."
The following day was my D&C. I remember sitting in the waiting room thinking, "Lord I trust you, I love you, but why this date. Why April fools! I will never be able to find laughter, joy on this day again."
I felt I would never be able to experience the fun of this day with as much zeal as past. Yet, I knew and I have learned from past experiences that I can find great joy in any and all circumstances, just as Joseph did from the old testament. Joy of circumstances I have taken to heart, but I also understand the difference between joy and happiness. Happiness is a feeling, joy is a state of being, an attitude. I wasn't sure I could ever feel anything on April 1st ever again.
The 1st anniversary was Palm Sunday! Wow! Talk about powerful and healing. I cried my heart out. I FELT EVERYTHING! The Passion...the Gospel...the death...the upcoming RESURRECTION!
I felt free!
The 2nd anniversary was Easter weekend. We became god-parents to some wonderful family friends for their 2 beautiful children. Thus, out of darkness there was great light!
I have many more stories just like this one. Of dates lining up. Of great light...great hope...great renewal...amazing redemption of a date that once upon a time stood in darkness.
Darkness turned to light: my daughters birth!
Darkness turned to light: her baptism date!
Darkness turned to light: my baby Sam's death!
Darkness turned to light: the list goes on and on and on....
I find it amazing and beautiful that God inspired me to read "heaven is for Real" before my loss. It was like a foreshadowing that created a calm, a peace within.
I DO NOT DOUBT HIS AMAZING LOVE!
Now, this amazing book has been put into film, I rejoice in getting to experience it and further heal, reflect and grow from my loss of Sam.
Therefore, as I reflected on the fact that Columbine's anniversary is Easter, my prayer has been for all these parents who are still deeply, darkly in pain and sorrow.....May this Easter be a Resurrection for them. May their darkness of that day of evil be brought into the amazing light of Christs Resurrection.
May they resurrect the memory of a date full of darkness into a date now full of blinding, amazing light of....
I have found sharing my life with anyone who wants to hear, read, is about sharing my love...
remembering ripples can be ripping or radiant!
My prayer is to spread radiant ripples through my love of life....love for all of you!
My thoughts and prayers to all of you out there always!
***sneak peek...tomorrow's post...Forgiveness on Friday: Broken...mirrors...shattered...images...